How I Plan To Feel More Worthy This Year
After a bit of a rough start to the new year, followed by our first RV trip of the year to Cannon Beach to celebrate our seven year anniversary, I'm finally starting to feel like I am settling into 2023. Kinda.
Last week we did a deep clean and declutter of the house and my office - it felt fantastic. What is it about clearing, organizing and getting rid of stuff that feels so dang therapeutic? In that process I realized two things:
I do not need one more book or journal -😅 which is a bummer since those are my favorite things to buy! However, this year, my intention is to focus my spending on experiences rather than things - more Moho trips, beautiful dinners, my next tattoo, a trip to Germany….a friend for Winston 😍
It's time to embody the wisdom I've gathered and the lessons I've learned. In cleaning out my office closet I found so many notebooks of courses, workshops and programs (both of which I've led and been a student). And although I will always consider myself a lifelong learner, it's time for me to take a step back (as hard as it might be) and lean into the wisdom that is already within me.
This year I'm being called to slow down more than ever - and without the slightest bit of exaggeration, it feels excruciating 🤣 I continue to use busyness as a way to distract myself from deeper healing and growth. And guess what? No one's going to do this work for me. It's going to be a restful year, but it's also going to be a year of immense growth in my personal and professional life. I plan on setting the boundaries, having the tough conversations and doing the uncomfortable work. And with that in mind I will need all the time in the world to rest, recalibrate and take the best care of myself I know how.
The Damn Door: A story about my worthiness practice so far.
This weekend Kyle and I went out for an early dinner at one of our favorite taco places. As the waitress went to seat us, she put us right by the door, exactly where I did not want to sit. “Is this ok for you?" she asked. And before I could even think I just blurted out, “no, is there another place we could sit that isn't by the door?" I was shaking as she kind of shrugged, “I mean, the back section isn't open yet but I guess we can put you there.” FUCK. Immediate guilt rushed over me.
As we sat down and she gave us our water, I looked at Kyle like a deer in the headlights and he says half jokingly, “that's gonna get our food spit in.” I nearly started crying from a mix of embarrassment, regret, shame and guilt. “Fuck, let's just leave, I'm just trying to use my voice more and I don't want to sit by the damn door. I feel terrible. Let's just go.”
He calmed me down, reminded me it wasn't a big deal, that we weren't gonna get our food spit in, and that he didn't want to sit by the damn door either. The waitress appeared mostly unbothered and I did my best to just be ME and not overcompensate (and undermine my worthiness) by being over-the-top nice, please-don't-spit-in-our-food complementary. It took a good 20 minutes for my heart to slow to a normal pace.
Something as silly as asking for a different place to sit can be a worthiness practice. When we act from a place of worthiness it can feel unfamiliar and scary and we can be triggered to default back to old unworthiness patterns. I could have easily said, “no, by the door is fine!” but I didn't.
Do not abandon yourself in those moments and remind yourself you're worthy beyond measure, even when it's simply asking to not sit by the damn door.
Here are three questions I am reflecting on in my journal after this experience (and if you’re practicing worthiness, I encourage you to do the same):
1. Where did this guilt originate from? My conditioning to please others? The belief that everyone else's comfort is more important than my own? Explore your thoughts.
2. When the guilt came up, how could I have best supported myself through that? What did I need from me at that moment?
3. Why is my worthiness practice still worth the effort, even when it's really uncomfortable?
I’d love to hear from you. Leave your comments below and tell me about your experiences with practicing worthiness.