Having Your Own Back: A Lesson In Speaking Up
On Saturday, I was walking through the grocery store with Kyle looking for carbs, per usual. As I walked up the pasta aisle for the 12th time I saw two older men standing there, and, recognizing that the aisles were extra small (and, Covid), I hugged the shelves so close I thought I would knock the gluten-free packages off the shelves. As I scootched by, in an overly-polite, high-pitched voice I said “'scuse meeeeee!!" And then, one of the older gentlemen did something that sent me into a rage. He mocked me, under his breath but definitely loud enough to hear as I passed him, “'scuse meeeeee!!!"
A heat flew into my chest, my face turned instantly red, and I was overcome with disbelief. Did that really just happen? I stood there confused as fuck, and as I glance back at them, I could see them chuckling to themselves as they made their way slowly out of the aisle away from me and away from the discomfort.
Here's the worst part in my opinion: I didn't say anything. Not in that moment and not after. Filled with rage and anger I stood there, silent, until Kyle walked up and dropped organic mayonnaise into the basket.
“What's wrong?” he asked.
“That guy just totally fucking mocked me right into my fucking ear ‘scuse meeeeee!!’"
“Why didn't you say anything?”
Great. GREAT, I thought. The question I've been asking myself for basically my entire life.
Why didn't you say anything?
Then came a flood of pain I've felt time and time again - the shame of abandoning myself.
The anger of not sticking up for myself.
The rage and embarrassment of always playing out the patriarchal role so many of us have been taught of the “nice girl” and needing to be liked by everyone.
Don't make a scene, don't act crazy. Downplay, deny, ignore the fact that what just happened was complete bullshit, inappropriate and mean.
I've played in my mind over and over and over again what I wish I would have said, but didn't. Again, a way too familiar experience. I fancy myself an empowered person, but as we talk about empowerment this month in The Empowered Sisterhood, it's got me asking deeper questions about what empowerment really means and how it shows up in our lives. It's not as easy as “am I empowered?” It’s:
What am I passively accepting in my life?
What am I not saying?
What am I ignoring?
What else am I settling for?
How can I have my own back from here on out?
Empowerment is about speaking up, and recognizing where you didn't.
Empowerment is about taking inspired action, and pausing to gather more information to make a better choice.
But above all, empowerment is always always always without question about having your own back in the form of kindness.
That guy was a dick. And a quick way to disempower myself, too, is to be a dick to myself for not saying anything. NOPE. That's where I draw the line and that, my friends, is empowerment.
Tell me, friends:
What are you not saying?
What would it look like to have your own back? Put it in the comments below, I’d love to know. And please know, you are not alone in this delicate practice of being an empowered human being (in a world full of dicks).